Centipedes, Dead Dads and UFO's - Terrible Conversations on my Terrible Date...

This, my dear internet friends, is the story of my first HORRIBLE date. Now, originally I was going to say it was my first date, but this is untrue. I have been on a number of quite pleasant dates with pleasant guys, that are generally quite pleasantly boring. But, this one was different. Oh my.

Lets tell this like a fairytale shall we? Maybe Disney will want to buy it off me and make it into a multi-million dollar best-seller!

It was a sunny and warm day and I received a message from my friend asking if I wanted to go and see a movie with him.
"Would you like to go see that new movie with me?" He asked, ever so nicely.
"Sure, what time?" I replied.
"Around 9?" He said quite hesitantly. His hesitance immediately raised some alarm bells...
"Sure," I said "9 is good..."
"My roommate wants to come..." He blurted out.
Oh no. The line that every girl does not want to hear. The dreaded roommate is making an appearance at what was originally going to be two friends catching up. Images of a creepy, old, drooling, brain-dead guy immediately pop into my head. This will be interesting...


So, come 8.30 I am all prettied up ready to go to the movies when my phone vibrates in my handbag. I slowly take it out, fearing the worst... "I'm going to be late... My roommate will be there early though." Oh no. More alarm bells!

Still, I head to the movies... Now, I have no idea what this roommate looks like so I had no idea who I was looking for. I showed up at the movie theatre and walked inside, there I saw this guy obviously a few years older than me standing alone. I immediately think that this is the roommate, so I walk up to him and introduce myself. Obviously confused, he shakes my hand and tells me to enjoy my movie and turns and walks away. What just happened? Well, you see... That wasn't the roommate. That was just some random guy that now knows who I am exactly what I look like when I am so embarrassed all I can manage to squeak out when he leaves is:
"Nice to meet you." 


I then notice a guy outside who is waiting for someone. I decide upon another plan of attack... I went and stood beside him for a while, making it look like I was waiting for someone. This plan worked much better because as soon as I stood beside him he introduced himself as the roommate and said that he didn't know when my friend was turning up. It was nice enough... Until he hugged me and kissed me on the cheek. Without even letting me get a sentence out first...

He wasn't ugly, or attractive, he was just a guy. Nothing special, nothing too bad. It all seemed to be okay. We were talking, I was my charming self. But, I knew that this was not going to last. We went to a local pub called The Plough Inn... And it is there where the terrible conversations/things started happening. Numerical order always seems to keep things organised:

Terrible Date Conversation #1:
Him: So, what kind of movies do you like?
Me: Oh, I like all kinds. I love scary movies though. I once saw this movie that was made about a human centipede. You wouldn't believe it, they got three people and sewed one persons mouth to the other persons... Well... For lack of a better word, ass.
(Right now, in my head all I could think was "SHUT-UP, SHUT-UP, SHUT-UP! Why are you saying this?! STOP!")
Him: Oh, okay. That sounds pretty messed up.
Me: Oh, it was.

I admit, this first example is all my fault. I've never known how to stop talking even when its about human centipedes.

Terrible Date Conversation #2:
Me: Where do you work?
Him: Oh, I work at the hospital moving boxes and stuff. It's a funny story actually, the other day I was talking to some of my friends at work and I was telling one of them how I was an advocate for violence.
Me: An advocate for violence?
Him: Yeah, I'm an advocate for violence. If you want to get something done a mob is the best way to do it. If you scare someone with violence they will do what you want them to.
Just a note: I am a pacifist. I have always believed that conflict can be solved without violence in every situation. 
Me: Oh...
Him: BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH I WANT TO TALK ABOUT HOW AWESOME VIOLENCE IS FOR HALF AN HOUR.
Me: I'm a pacifist.

That shut him up.

Terrible Date Conversation #3:
Him: My dad is dead. I've never gotten over it. I even have his name tattooed on me so I will never forget about him.

Tip for guys: Do NOT talk about dead people on the first date. I had known this guy about two hours and he was telling me intimate details about his dead father... How am I meant to react?! I think I ended up saying something like "Oh, that's really sad." I probably sounded insincere, but I really did not know what to say. I would expect this kind of conversation on the 22nd date... If you're lucky.

And finally, to top it all off:

Terrible Date Conversation #4:
Him: I saw a UFO and I have a video of it on my phone.

So, what does he do? Pulls out his phone makes me look at this video for 20 minutes pointing out a dot that I can't even see on the screen. All the while I was pretending that it was amazing while screaming inside my head for him to stop showing me it. Over and over again:
"Did you see it?! Here, I'll put it on again! Oh, you missed it again? I'll slow it down! How cool is it now that you've seen it? Watch it one more time now you know where to look."

Well, I have one thing to say to you:
Show me your stupid UFO video one more time and I'll show you where to f*#&ing look.


So, my dear internet friends, that concludes the first story that was: My First TERRIBLE Date. I will be writing more about this date (it's worthy of more than one blog!) so stay reading!

There's a Little Player in All of us...

Today, talking to my mum about my situation, she looked at me and said:

“You don’t need a boyfriend anyway. You need a guy to use, abuse, confuse and lose.”

Thanks for the advice mum. You’re encouraging me to be the female equivalent of the guy that every girl hates… 

The player.

Now, having JUST come out of a long-term relationship I have no idea what the moral, ethical and most of all social rules to a ‘casual relationship’ entail… Can I sleep with a guy once and never call again? Should I talk to them or keep it on a strictly physical level? Can I have more than one? Should I even be thinking about this because I’m so freshly single?! So many questions, and such little time to deal with them all!

Quick decision:

Mum’s advice, while entertaining (and not to mention RHYMING), may have held some truth. I may just turn into a player. Watch out boys, I’m coming for you. 

The Loud, Pathetic & Drunk Stages of a Break-Up...

We all go through stages of emotion when we get out of a serious relationship. These were mine:

1.     I cried… Cried and cried some more… I’m not just talking a few idle tears; I’m talking full blown crazy heart-wrenching crying. On the first night, I made the mistake of listening to some Taylor Swift song (it really seemed like the most depressing song, in hindsight, I could have picked better…) and crying… Loudly. I would like to take this opportunity to apologise to my neighbours.

2.     Just a disclaimer: This is the stage that I hate the most… I became the clingy ex-girlfriend that called up my ex and proclaimed that I couldn’t live without him. I believe it went something like this:

Me: I need you. Please take me back! Please!

Him: I can’t… I have to go.

Me: Don’t go. Don’t leave me. I love you.

Him: Bye…

Me: BUT I LOVE YOU!

Phone hangs up

Pathetic... Oh, so pathetic.

3.     After this stage came the hatred. Now, I’m good at hate. I hate a lot of things and/or people. You could name something out of the blue and I could name at least one thing that I hate about it… Maybe that’s why I’m single… Oh, let’s not even consider that! Anyways, this was when my ex became the sole object of my hate. I hated him, I hated all the pictures that I had of him, I hated the sound of his voice. Anything to do with him made my blood boil. This is the stage that my friends started to encourage me to take revenge… Bad idea.

4.     The fourth stage was my personal favourite. It’s the stage where you go out to the local clubbing scene and try to get as drunk as humanly possible. This is when my friends started egging me on to hook up with nearly every guy that made eyes at me. Now, even though I enjoyed this stage a lot, I ended up going home alone and going on (in a very drunken state) about how much I hated my ex to the taxi driver on the way home…

Now, I should mention that I have always been pretty emotional, so it only took me about a day and a half to go through all of these stages. Most normal people would take much longer… I hear that the crying stage sometimes lasts DAYS within people… But, I’m just too busy to sit around crying.

I think waking up with a hangover as my only companion after the fourth stage was a sign of how my single life is destined to pan out… HELP!

I'm Single...

Hand me the tissues, ice cream and chocolate. Put ‘All by Myself’ on repeat and leave me to cry until my face is wet from both tears and the even lovelier snot.

I’m single… Something that I haven’t been since I was a teenager.

Follow my story - the ups and downs of my single life and laugh and cry along with me.

This is:

The Foes and Woes of Singality.